


i remember it clearly

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:27:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26927332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Janus wishes he didn't remember all those times with Virgil, because Virgil left, and it's not fair he had to live in the past while Virgil's moved on.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	i remember it clearly

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think there's any extra trigger warnings, but if there is lmk!! <3!!

**i _miss you, miss you so bad_**

Janus missed Virgil so much, he couldn't even begin to accurately describe the extent of it. 

Virgil was his world. 

His light. 

His reason to keep on fighting. 

Virgil was everything that was important to Janus. 

No one's ever mattered nearly as much as Virgil, not to Janus at least. 

But who can blame him for leaving? For moving in with the 'Light Sides' and becoming one.

It was Janus fault anyway. He could have done so much more for Virgil. 

He could have told him how much he loved him (even though at the time, he saw Virgil as more of a brother than.. now, Janus knows that was misplaced, because he was (and still is) romantically attracted to Virgil, but at that time none of them knew they were gay), how lost he'd be without him, how much he values him, how important he is, how-

Just- anything, anything and everything he could have said, that he wants to say, that he'll never get to say.

**_i don't forget you_ **

It sucks, remembering and longing for someone and something that the other person does not have any interest in being/ doing with you. 

Virgil hated him so much that he had to move in with the god damn 'Light Sides'..

What did Janus do?

He can't remember anything.. they didn't have a fight or anything either, Janus just woke up one day and there was little to no sign of Virgil ever being there. 

He wishes he knew. 

He would fix and twist himself into whatever Virgil wanted him to be. 

But he can't get Virgil back. 

All that's left of Virgil are his old hoodie (which Janus _stole_ , by the way), his old room (which doesn't have anything in it, only blank walls, but it's so Virgil-like it helps), and the constant, painful memories Janus is forced to relive.

**_oh, it's so sad_ **

Janus was miserable. 

Everything in his room, and in the 'Dark Side' area, and basically everywhere he fucking looked, he was pulled into another memory with Virgil. 

His desk? 

Virgil and him practicing and perfecting the 'disney villain chair spin', Virgil and him drawing all over the top of his desk because they were bored and found markers, Virgil sitting on his desk while Janus stood next to him and deep in conversation and it was probably about 4:13 in the morning and they were talking about random shit and looking at stars from Janus' window. 

His window?

Them sneaking out at some unhealthyly late hour, Janus hiding under the window curtain and beside his bed while Virgil tried to find him (that was the funniest round of hide-and-seek they'd ever played. It was so painfully obvious where Janus was, and yet Virgil couldn't seem to find him), them sitting against the curtain and it falling down and crushing both of them under it (they could stop laughing).

His walls? 

Virgil chuckling and asking Janus what each of those drawings meant (Janus had wrote all over them in crayon and permanent marker when he was younger), Janus asking what color they should paint his wall (before ultimately deciding this particular side of the wall was shia to paint, and the one next to it was Virgil's), Virgil holding him against his wall (Remus had dared them to kiss once, towards the end of their friendship).

And Janus couldn't do anything about it. 

He just had to sit there, through those memories, and have to try to hold himself together enough to not have a panic attack (he failed most times though, and more often than not, after one of those memories he'd end up sobbing and unable to breathe and his mind spiraling.

**_i hope you can hear me_ **

Sometimes Janus wants to be mad at Virgil for leaving. 

Only sometimes, though. 

Because he knows Virgil was right for leaving. 

Because he can't blame Virgil for anything. 

He was always great, and Janus could've been nicer. 

Better. 

But he wasn't. Janus wasn't and he just has to deal with that. 

With knowing his best friend left him because of how he is. 

With knowing his best friend hates him. 

With knowing that he's evil. 

Knowing that he'll never be loved or even wroth anything. 

Janus has wrote notes to Virgil that he'll never show anyone, because he has so much to say, so much he wants Virgil to know, and he heard it was a way of getting closure; an 'unsent letter' he thinks it was called.

It didn't help. 

Just made things worse.

**_i remember it clearly_ **

Janus remembers so much. So much of them. 

Them, together, happy. 

Virgil probably doesn't remember any of it. 

Virgil probably doesn't want to remember any of it, either.

That's okay, Janus doesn't blame him, because this shit is fucking _terrible_. 

Hell, if Janus could choose, he'd get rid of these memories in an instant.

But he can't. 

So he just has to suffer through them.

Maybe one day, he won't make it through them. 

Sometimes they come in bursts, for days all he can think about is Virgil and how he left and what they had and lost and everything about everything, and Janus would get really.. depressed.

Suicidal.

He's overdosed once in the middle of one of these memory episodes. 

Maybe one day, he'll do it again, and maybe that time it'll work.

**_the day you slipped away_ **

He remembers that first day waking up alone pretty well. 

There was confusion, hurt, and hopelessness. 

There was for about one year after, too. 

The next year was when the emptiness and blankness and lack of emotion set in.

The next two years were are over the place, switching between being apathetic, crying constantly, and being absolutely pissed. 

There were four suicide attempts during that time.

One in the second year, and two in the third and fourth year. 

He had started cutting himself in the second year too, and he still does cut himself now.

He's tried to "get better" more than a few times, but he doesn't deserve it.

He's not bad enough, and he deserves punishment and pain and agony anyway.

**_was the day_ **

That day changed everything. 

Before that day, he and Virgil were hanging out everyday, and having "sleepovers" (they would sleep in each others room's because it was just more comfortable and enjoyable) serval times a week, and they were practically inseparable. 

Janus doesn't know what made Virgil leave so suddenly.

Before that day, they were happy (as long as they were together they could do anything together), they were content, well, at least Janus thought they were.

Now Virgil's happy, and he's more than content, and he's living his best life with the 'Light Sides'.

Janus isn't happy at all, but he can be glad that Virgil is happy.

Good for Virgil, y'know? 

**_i found it won't be the same_ **

Nothing was the same. 

Everything changed. 

That one day turned Janus' world upside down and hasn't stopped shaking it. 

When will it stop?

Will it ever stop?

Janus doesn't really think it matters that much, as long as one of them turned out happy.

Even if it's not him.

Even if he couldn't have the chance to be happy.

Even if Virgil has everything they always wanted to get together.

Even if Virgil took his world and soul away from Janus, and probably without knowing it.

Even if Janus is miserable.

Janus doesn't really matter.

As long as Virgil's happy.

**As long as Virgil's happy.**

**Author's Note:**

> yes guys i am back on my shit also can we talk about the asides ep??? like i'm so fucking worried and excited for it like oh my fucking god it's literally tommorow (well, uh, later today ig- it's 12:45am rn-)


End file.
